Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?

This just in from 9NEWS.com out of Denver, Colorado:

9NEWS Traffic Reporter Amelia Earhart says drivers on Tuesday morning can expect speeds on the major roadways to be very slow again. Many overpasses and ramps are still icy and slick.

Now this is a Scooby-Doo moment if ever I had one.  My feet are blurred as I skid to a stop, cock my head, look quizzically into the camera and say, "Huh?"

I know we are still having massive employment cut backs and lay offs but I had no idea the position of world famous missing aviatrix was that risky.  I guess she got laid off and had to look for another job.  Not that I think reporting traffic would be any easier than disappearing and staying disappeared.  And what does Amelia Earhart know about traffic in Denver?  And at her age (she must be about a hundred ten by now) should she be running around outside reporting traffic in such inclement weather.  This is troubling on so many different levels.  And those guys who think they found her bones on that South Sea Island are sure in for a surprise.

Not the same Earhart you say?

Oh.  Never mind.

Classic Situations For Catapults

Years ago my brother and I watched the movie 'Advance To The Rear' and were completely taken by a line delivered by Melvyn Douglas:  "This is a classic situation for a catapult."
Come on.  Who wouldn't be captivated by that line?
In addition to Douglas, the movie starred Glenn Ford, Stella Stevens, Jim Backus, Alan Hale Jr., and Jesse Pearson still euphoric from being Conrad Birdie.  The movie was forgettable -- something about the Civil War.
But the line spoken by Melvyn Douglas will never be forgotten, at least not by my brother and not my me.
Ever since we saw that movie, doubtless on some rainy Saturday afternoon, we've been looking for the perfect time to deliver that line.  The problem is that not too many situations present themselves as classic situations for catapults.
Imagine, then, my heartbreak when I heard on the news while driving home the other evening that the newest way to get street drugs across the Mexican border into this country is with the use of a catapult!
And that, my friends, truly is a classic situation for a catapult.
Naturally since both my brother and I are law abiding citizens we will have to content ourselves with continuing to fling cooked spaghetti across the room at each other.

You Gotta Read 'But This Is Different'

To purchase But This Is Different visit http://steelcutpress.com.

from 'The San Gabriel Valley Examiner' - Jan 27 - Feb 2, 2011

It's All In The Name

Here's how she introduced herself in her bizarre response to President Obama's State of the Union address:
My name is Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.
Really?
Here's another example of a weird name.
I way too often hear a commercial on the radio for some ambulance chasing attorney who introduces himself by saying:  "My name is DUI Attorney Myles L. Berman".  In his commercial he states that 'anyone can get a DUI' but that's not my point right now even though I feel an obligation to state the obvious that not just anyone can get a DUI because those citations are pretty much limited to people who are driving under the influence.

Do both Bachmann and Berman really think that their current titles or occupations are also their names?  Or did their parents actually, in amazingly predictive moments, name a daughter Congresswoman and a son DUI Attorney?
Surely it's not possible that we are so out of touch with our language that we can no longer communicate coherently.
No.  That cannot be the case.
Therefore I'm going with the amazingly predictive moments at the time of child naming theory.
That theory explains to my complete satisfaction why I've lately been meeting people with names such as 'Unemployed Way Too Long' and 'Bat Shit Crazy' and 'Mean Spirited Susie'.
Oh yeah.  Just to round things out, I've also recently met people with names such as 'Kind With No Hidden Agenda' and 'Doing His Best' and 'Always Optimistic'.

Climbing Down The Career Ladder

I need some advice. I'm filling out the "Professional Development Plan" that is required by the eighteen-month County Management Academy I'm enrolled in, and I think my response needs a little sprucing-up. So far I've got, "I hope to achieve a level within the county hierarchy in which I will have less to do, more time to do it, and receive a bigger paycheck whether or not I actually get it done." Thoughts?

It's How We Live That Matters

Jack LaLanne died on January 23 at the age of 96.  Rush Limbaugh - always eager and never missing a chance to remind us that he is a pompous, obese, venom spewing fool - had these words to say about the man who inspired millions to take better care of themselves:


All this gobbledygook about nutrition and exercise, I've always pooh-poohed it, and I've always laughed at it and the Center for Science in the Public Interest and all this healthy Nazi eating lifestyle, all that rotgut.  Over the course of the years, the SUV is gonna kill us, that kind of stuff, it just offends my sensibilities, it's an insult to my intelligence, and it's always amused me.  It doesn't surprise me because I know a lot of people are sheep, but it's always amused me. Jack LaLanne was a vegetarian, look what happened to him?  He died.  Jack LaLanne was a vegetarian exercise freak and look what happened to him.  He passed away.  It's amazing, isn't it? 
 
 When Jack LaLanne was Rush Limbaugh's age he swam the length of the Golden Gate Bridge -- under water -- while towing one thousand pounds.  Oh.  He was also handcuffed.  He was a vegetarian who ate only organic, unprocessed foods.  Limbaugh, on the other hand, is a bottom feeder who gorges himself on lies and hypocrisy.

We are the sum total of everything we put into our mouths.  Unfortunately for old Rush we are also the sum total of everything that comes out of our mouths.

Concerns About The Color Codes

I was just reading about Homeland Security's plan to scrap the color coded threat-level warnings. My guess is John Boehner felt like it was racial profiling to keep referring to threat level “Orange.”