By Tom Walker
Donald J. Trump missed his calling. Instead of real estate, he should’ve focused on law. He’d have made a hugely effective judge. Here’s how one of his recent cases might have gone.
Judge Trump: Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore, you have been accused of sexually assaulting and pursuing teenagers and young women. How do you plead?
Moore: I totally deny all the charges against me, your honor.
Trump: You totally deny them? Not mostly or somewhat? You totally deny them?
Trump: Interesting. And nice touch, that “your honor.” I like that – shows respect.
Moore: You’re welcome, your honor. I’ll even make it Mr. President, if you want.
Trump: No, just “your honor” is fine, for now. Now, Mr. Moore, you used to be a judge, is that right?
Moore: Yes sir, a couple of times.
Trump: Well, we’ll keep that in mind in our deliberations. How old are you now?
Moore: Seventy, your honor.
Trump: Well, welcome to the septuagenarian club. I am, believe it or not, in my mid-seventies. And I still have the hair and the endurance of a teenager. Just yesterday, I bested Steve Bannon two out of three times in Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Moore: Congratulations, your honor.
Trump: Now, here’s a tough question. At the time you were allegedly involved with these teenage women, how old were you?
Moore: Well, that must be a trick question, your honor. Since I totally deny any involvement with these women, I couldn’t have been any age.
Trump: But just speaking hypothetically – and I know you’re impressed by my huge vocabulary – if these women in question were teenagers forty years ago, how old would you have been at the time?
Moore: Oh, yes your honor, I’m all a-twitter at your command of language. And since you put it that way, I would have been – oh, I’d say about 32. It was back when I was an assistant district attorney. But as I said, I totally deny that anything happened involving teenage girls or anyone.
Trump: And that’s good enough for me, Judge Moore. I know what it’s like to get blindsided by a bunch of lying, fake charges. During my presidential campaign – which, incidentally I won in one of the biggest landslides in history – I had sixteen women come at me with junk like that. I promised to sue all sixteen of them when the campaign was over, but it turned out to be unnecessary. They all cowered back into their hiding places.
Moore: Um, Judge Trump? Getting back to my Senate race? Would it be possible to get a little endorsement from you?
Trump: Heh, heh. Here’s where I like to break out my Foghorn Leghorn imitation. Boy, I say, boy! You don’t need an endorsement. What you’ve got here is the next best thing: a Gen-u-ine Donald Trump Election Boost, just from what I said or didn’t say. Now go away, boy .... And bring home an election win next month.
Moore: Oh, I can hardly wait, your honor. The U.S. Senate won’t know what hit it.
Trump: That’s no joke, boy – I’m countin’ on that.