The Chick-fil-A restaurant in Anderson, South Carolina, is offering a reward for its stolen cow. I fear the cow will be dead by the time someone returns it. You see, it's a topiary cow. At any rate, the reward is free Chick-fil-A sandwiches for a year.
Only the feet, the restaurant says, were left.
Several things about this caper trouble me. The least troubling aspect is that cows don't have feet but, then, how could we expect a restaurant selling chicken to know that a cow has hoofs.
Here's the next troubling thing. Take a look at one of the restaurant's many logos:
Neither of those items bothers me nearly as much as the fact that someone stole my idea of starting the Topiary Liberation Society. Clearly the topiary was liberated and not stolen. The only thing here that was stolen was, obviously, my idea.
I hate topiary. It is a completely useless thing to do with a plant and a totally insulating thing to force a plant to look like something it isn't. Don't we get too much of that just getting through the day? I mean, we are forced to act like we care when we don't. We're forced to pretend we're reading importing messages during the dull meeting instead of playing Angry Birds.
So my idea was to form the Topiary Liberation Society and go around liberating those imprisoned plants. Because we, too, are like topiary forced to be what we aren't. Or something like that. I'm still working that part out but now why bother? Huh?
Because someone stole my idea.
To hell with the missing cow. Give me back my idea.