Sunday, May 13, 2012

At Any Rate, Happy Mothers' Day

“M” is for, “Male Seahorses,” who never get their due recognition today.
“O” is for, “Oh crap, it’s Mother’s Day again?” ~or~ “Olive Garden, here we come.”
“T” is for, “Tupac,” whose “Dear Mama” is my mom’s favorite, because she’s a little thuggish, and that’s how she rolls.
“H” is for, “Happy Mother’s Day to all moms everywhere. Most of you are pretty good, but mine’s the best!”
“E” is for, “Eww, seriously? A card and some flowers would've been just fine." - Oedipus's Mother
“R” is for, “Really glad you waited to adopt until after you had me: Your favorite.”
“’” is just an apostrophe, but it frequently gets forgotten by anyone whose mother never took the time to correct their punctuation.
“S” is for the, “Smug ingratitude” that mothers ignore 364 days a year if they want that card bad enough.
“Space” is for the moment of silence every mother should take to reflect on her abandoned dreams.
“D” is for all the “Dumpsters” you’ve ever passed without ever wondering if you made the right choice.
“A” is for my, “Adolescent years,” which you survived surprisingly well.
“Y” is for the “Y chromosome” you lack, but never judged me for having.
Happy Mother’s Day, to mine, yours, and all moms everywhere (except for celebri-tard mothers like Octomom, Snooki, and that creepy, dead-smile mom on the cover of Time who doesn’t realize that once a kid is old enough to ask for it, they’re dating). - Michael Walker

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