Sunday, February 15, 2009

For All Pets and Their Humans

This important message is making its way through our family. It may already be making its way through yours. That's the way it goes with the Internet. Important stuff, though bears repeating.

Please note that the following must be posted very low on the refrigerator door at nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note -- placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the goal. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time -- There is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paws under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine and feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About My/Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is a member of the family who just happens to walk on all fours.

1 comment:

Marnie said...

I can't help but comment on this cute post. It sounds like my household - and I, too,have to try to beat my pets down the stairs so I don't end on the bottom stair on my bottom end first. Dishes are the same - their paw prints - oh well, you know the story. At least I know I'm not alone with their sarcasm. Quite amusing.